This webcomic was created by Qomaru Alamry on Tapastic.com. Here’s a short blurb that describes what his comic is all about…
Leyya and Theer. These two beautiful circus artists who came from different parts of the world, had met in the Kingdom of Dyfarrow through Vidavar circus audition. They both came up with different purpose. Leyya wanted to join for realizing her dream since childhood, whilst Theer wanted to learn a lot of things from Vidavar circus. However, when their spirits peaked, God even diverted them away from what they had been dreaming of. Through a variety of unexpected events, an encounter with the most dangerous man in Wavve, and also the long and challenging adventure, God led them to understand the meaning of life.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
Honestly, the very first thing that caught my eye with regards to this comic was the grammar. Because Qomaru is from Bali, Indonesia I can’t help but assume that this comic wasn’t originally written in English. There were some points in the story that captured my interest, and some points I couldn’t help but wince at. But perhaps the most difficult thing I encountered while reading this comic was the fact that the English was difficult to understand. Which brings me to my first point…
GRAMMAR
This advice applies to everyone: let someone else that’s good with writing and grammar read your comic, before you hit the publish button.
The biggest thing that can turn a reader off is the fact that he or she cannot understand what you’re trying to say. If they can’t understand what’s happening, or what the characters are saying, why should they stick around?
You have got to think about the reader’s experience. That’s the most important thing. Because that’s exactly what will make people love or hate your comic.
If their experience with your comic is terrible, do you think many of them will continue to read it?
So please, be professional if you want others to take you seriously. Check, and double-check your sentences and your grammar. I understand that some creators don’t have English as their first language. That’s alright. But I’m sure that you might know at least one person that can speak it better. Ask for help.
I wanted to understand what was happening in some points of this comic. I really did. It had some interesting twists. But because I couldn’t understand what the artist was trying to say through the character’s dialog, I failed to enjoy the story as much as I could have.
See, the problem with bad grammar is that readers might not be able to fully understand your character’s motivations.
Readers might not be able to fully understand your character’s problems.
Readers might not be able to fully understand the context of some of the things characters are saying.
And the WORST THING about bad grammar…
If a reader can’t understand your story, then you’ve lost that reader FOREVER.
If they didn’t like the fact that they couldn’t understand your work, they aren’t going to come back and read it. That’s one reader lost. And you need every single reader you can keep.
So best advice…
Ask someone that’s good at writing to read your work. Don’t work in a vacuum. Get BETA readers—these are people you trust that can give you good, honest feedback regarding your work.
Don’t rush to put your work out there. Put a little bit of professionalism into it—especially if you want to take comics and storytelling seriously.
BEGINNINGS
The beginning of your story should accomplish these things:
- Set the tone/mood
- Introduce your character
- Make readers sympathize with your character
Blake Snyder says it perfectly in his book, Save the Cat,
I call it the “Save the Cat” scene. They don’t put it into movies anymore. And it’s basic. It’s the scene where we meet the hero and the hero does something — like saving a cat — that defines who he is and makes us, the audience, like him.
The first time we are introduced to one of Circuron’s main characters, he’s shown as a slayer of kings. The problem with this is that it immediately places that character (who, apparently, is supposed to be the good guy) in a bad light. If he’s supposed to be a good guy, then it would be better to show the good aspects of him (or at least the admirable qualities) so that audiences immediately understand what’s going on.
If you take the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie, for example, the first time we see Captain Jack Sparrow we immediately like him. We see him looking out to see—a classic maritime scene—only to find out that he’s giving this look on a sinking boat. Suddenly, he realizes he’s taking in too much water, and starts bailing the boat. He reaches the docks just in time, just as his boat completely sinks.
That scene completely captures Captain Jack Sparrow’s entire character—and almost immediately, the audience falls in love with him. This guy’s a filthy, deceptive, conniving pirate. But the writers made sure to cast Jack in better light so as to make readers connect instantly with his character.
Another example is in Kung Fu Panda, where Po dreams about being a kung fu legend. Again, this intro is amazing because it shows you exactly who Po is—without doing too much at all. I can honestly say though, that for me, Kung Fu Panda had one of the best first two minutes I’ve ever experienced inside the cinema.
This simple, two minute dream sequence does all the things I’d mentioned above, and more!
That being said though, don’t take it as a good thing that you always start with a dream sequence. Starting with visions, dreams, prophecies, or anything remotely similar, is incredibly difficult. I’d suggest that if you’re not used to telling stories (or you haven’t really written a lot), then stay away from it as much as possible.
In Circuron’s case, it’s difficult to gauge who Nellron is because he doesn’t perform any specific, memorable action that defines his character. Furthermore, he’s immediately cast as a king slayer.
So why should we like this guy? The creator gives us no real reason to (at least, not yet).
He does try to give a hint of Nell’s character when Nell is about to be hanged. His executioner asks if he has any final words to say, and Nell goes into this monologue about faith and love. But honestly, that’s pretty hard to believe if it’s coming from the mouth of someone accused of murder.
If the creator wanted readers to sympathize with Nell during his execution, a better way to do it would be to first establish the world that Nell lives in. Why did he murder the two kings? Were they tyrants? The reader doesn’t know that, because there weren’t any scenes showing that these kings were evil in any way.
Think Prince of Egypt, where we’re immediately introduced to the suffering of the Israelites. Think Slumdog Millionaire where, after showing Jamal be asked the million dollar question, they switch back over to his childhood and show the deep poverty he once lived in. Think The Incredibles wherein, after a short scene of superheroes saving the city, they show you just how these vigilantes were driven back into hiding.
Readers need context.
But that doesn’t mean that you dump your world’s entire history at the start either (like in The Lord of the Rings). You start with the most essential things that your readers need to know at the start, and then build it from there.
FLASHBACKS
I’ve noticed more and more people do flashbacks ever since LOST came out. But the more I look at flashbacks, the more I dislike them. Why? What’s so bad about flashbacks?
- They take away the tension in your story — these are past events. Your audience is invested in the present. While it’s nice to know where characters came from, it takes away a lot of the fear, tension, and suspense. My biggest case in point in this case, is CW’s Arrow. I really don’t like the fact that they keep doing those flashbacks. It doesn’t make Oliver any more appealing, nor does it make him any more relatable. It takes away suspense, and it waters down the overall experience of every episode (at least, for me, it does).
It’s like hitting the pause button on all the action—just when things were getting exciting. So the moment they finally get back to the action, the excitement is squandered.
In the case of this comic, the flashback served as a way to reveal a twist—and a very good twist at that, I have to say.
But here’s my question?
Why couldn’t you have put that scene at the start?
Think about it this way, if you’d put that scene at the start, and built upon the idea that there was only a small chance it would work, it might create more suspense for readers. Will the snake’s skin work, or won’t it? What’s going to happen?
Felt emotions are what make stories memorable. If you can’t get your audience to feel any emotion while reading your story (other than, “That was cool/interesting.”) then you aren’t winning them over.
CHARACTERIZATION
Here’s a series of questions I’d like to ask the creator regarding the characters. They’re questions I think should seriously be considered.
FIRST:
Before his execution, Nell talks to a fellow inmate about this snake skin that can save his life. During his execution, he says that one man made him rethink the way he viewed his life.
My question: can one conversation with some guy—while in jail—really make you change?
Human beings have the most difficult time changing! Just think about all those New Years Resolutions that you didn’t do. Change doesn’t come so easily. It shouldn’t, and so this makes Nell look like a cardboard cutout of a character. He’s flat.
SECOND:
Leyya and Theer were talking on a balcony about their dreams of joining the circus. Suddenly, Leyya is taken hostage. A few hours later, her hostage-taker tries to apologize and be nice to her. She easily forgives him. In fact, at the end of the day, there’s suddenly a brimming romance between her and her captor.
My question: If somebody just stopped you from accomplishing your dreams, would you just as easily forgive them?
Even if Leyya really was such a sweet and nice girl, I don’t think it would take here mere hours or minutes to forgive Nell for such a travesty. This was her childhood dream. He just destroyed her chance (at least, for now).
It seemed all Nell needed to do was talk about destiny, and then she already starts to swoon.
What? Destiny? These two just met. She was his hostage! So he just talks about destiny, and then they start falling in love? She should be creeped out. She should have run in the opposite direction.
Think of how in the first season of Agents of Shield, Ward suddenly confesses his feelings to Skye right after he reveals he’s a double-agent. Skye’s reaction to this is classic, because it’s true! She wouldn’t fall in love with that traitor just because he confessed to her.
In the same way, Leyya should be furious at Nell.
So why isn’t she?
CONCLUSION
So, final thoughts on this webcomic review of Circuron…
- Be professional with your copy. Have someone else check your grammar and spelling. If you want people to take your work seriously, if you want them to enjoy your story, think about how they’d feel reading a comic they can’t understand.
- Beginning are the most important part of your story. Have your character do something concrete, unique, and specific, that instantly has readers fall in love and relate with them.
- Always check character motivations and reactions. If something terrible just happened, you have to give your characters the space to process that. Don’t rush through your characters emotions because then they don’t seem like real characters. They look fake and made up, and readers can no longer relate.
Your Turn…
If you have anything else to add (agreements, disagreements) don’t be afraid to post them in the comments. Constructive feedback only, please!
And if you’ve read the comic, and you enjoyed it, show Qomaru a little support. I’m sure he’d appreciate it.
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